Taken from The Onion
Filthy AnemoneRev. William Chester, spokesman for the coalition which is dedicated to “the preservation of aquatic decency and morality” said: “This filthy anemone, which exhibits both male and female characteristics, is turning our oceans’ intertidal zones into dens of sin and perversion,” he added “For God knows how long, this twisted sea creature has been running rampant in our oceans, spreading its unnatural, bisexual lifestyle. And it’s high time somebody took a stand.”
Anemone’s Alternative LifestyleThe “Telia Felina” has been practicing its alternative lifestyle since 1859 and since then over 40 of its subspecies have been identified as transgendered. The coalition also denounced its family structure and reproductive habits. “Unlike so many respectable, God-fearing creatures, the Telia Felina reproduces asexually, openly mocking traditional family values by giving birth to and raising its young in a single-parent setting,” Chester said. “This anti-Christian anemone, which has the audacity to think that a child can grow up properly without the benefit of two loving parents, is truly the Murphy Brown of the deep.”
Asexual Anemone is Not NaturalHe added: “If you still doubt the pain and suffering wrought by this undersea abomination, just look into the eyes of a young anemone child forced to grow up wondering why Mommy and Daddy live in the same body. This, my friends, is not natural.”
As part of the coalition’s campaign against the organism they are calling upon environmental groups such as Greenpeace to put an end to their defense of endangered species and creatures that don’t have high moral standards. The coalition is also threatening a boycott of aquariums displaying the Telia Felina or any other organism of uncertain character.
Chester asked: “Is this the kind of marine invertebrate we want our children to see on their school field trips to the aquarium?” He believes that by putting the Telia Felina on display in the nation’s aquariums it sends a message to children encouraging a transsexual lifestyle.