Tuesday, April 6, 2010

HATE TO BE STRAIGHT? JESUS CAN HELP.

Thanks to Terry Weldon at Queering the Church for this very funny April fool's satire in these very depressing times. It's good to remember that no critique of Hitler was more savage or more effective than the brilliant parody of Charlie Chaplin.

LEVITICUS CAN MAKE UNHAPPY STRAIGHTS GAY
Revision Studios, famous for the Princess Diana Gay Bible, will launch a new website called Leviticus International which promises to help unhappy straights become gay. According to Max Mitchell, creator of the site, “If heterosexuals want to end their misery, there is a way.”
Hate2BStraightLeviticus International says that straights can be “born again” as gay with the help and love of Jesus Christ. Joseph “Bo” Kelly, of Las Vegas, NV, a former heterosexual, claims it worked for him. According to Kelly, his compulsive attraction to women led him to two suicide attempts. “Now that I’m gay, my life is divine, and I don’t mean in the biblical sense. My boyfriend and I share so much more than I ever did with any of my four ex wives. I thank God for taking that sinful disorder away from me.”
How did it work? “I got on my knees and asked Jesus Christ to release me from the spell cast by women.” It took weeks of prayer but it finally worked. Then I met Todd at church. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew, it was Super Bowl. We were so excited by the football game, let’s just say there was dancing in the end zone. And we moved out of the trailer park into a fabulous Italian palazzo with topiary and an herb garden. I can’t thank Rev. Karl enough. Prayer works.
Mary Bermanoff, of Dearborn, another ex straight, says she’s never been so happy. “I truly am born again. Who knew Jesus could make me a happy lesbian? It was a long painful journey getting here but I’m glad I made it. Twenty years living with a man who smelled and never took out the trash was more than I could take. Janine, my girlfriend, actually cooks for me and brings me coffee in bed. She tells me she loves me. Hallelujah! I no longer have to be drunk to have sex. I actually enjoy it.”

The website offers visitors a chance to ask Jesus different question about becoming gay. I guess Jesus has email now. In any event, Jesus will answer all questions on the Leviticus site. Another page on the site has testimonials from people who succeeded at becoming gay.
Rev. Karl Krutchner, pastor at the Trailer of God in Houston, says that Leviticus has a very high success rate. “I can’t take credit for it. It’s the power of Jesus doing it, not me.” Why Leviticus International? “Leviticus in the Princess Diana Bible says it’s an abomination for a man to lay with a woman. That’s my ministry. Saving people from this sinful heterosexual lifestyle. You should see their faces when they find gay love. It’s a divine transformation. You can see God in the eyes. They have never felt this kind of joy. Warms my heart.”ALLELUIA!
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